I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
