Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
