New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
