i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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