i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
