Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
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