It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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