I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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