I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
