Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
