Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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