just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
