He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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