literally had 100 drinks last night.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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