Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
