I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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