need another drink. this is the easiest way
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
two words...techno handjob
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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