Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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