Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
