saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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