and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
