The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
