im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Pants are for mortals
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize
