btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I think I won the penis lottery.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
