god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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