i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
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