Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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