Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
