I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
