only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
