i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
