i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
