Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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