he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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