I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
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