Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
