remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
