His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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