Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
