3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
