It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I need a beard to bite.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
