I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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