Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
