we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
