Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
