Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
