so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Two words: nipple clamps
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
