he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
