You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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