three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
