Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
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I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
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NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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