the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
