I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
