I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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