then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
