I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
