It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
