I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm experimenting with sincerity
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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