I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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