oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
