I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
